Fifty on the Cliffs of Moher – Guest Blogger!

Check out a great post from our friend and “not a grown up” Shawn Reed!

I am still not a grown up, but this morning I woke up to two odd facts: That I was in Ireland, and that I was now fifty years old. Both were new experiences for me, and make me wonder why I haven’t experienced them before now.

Getting older is, of course, something none of us can choose or not choose. Going to Ireland, however, was a choice and a good one. It is significant because of family roots, because of the company of loved ones, and because it has to be seen on winding back roads from behind the wheel of a 9-passenger Opel Vivaro. All are metaphoric for my personal idea of being a grown up: roots, loves, and risks.

Our roots are not ours to choose, and that makes them often seem just the thing that we might not have chosen. Just the same, our very physiological fabric is the result of generational work. We look, act, think, and feel much like those farther up the family tree. And it’s worth embracing, if not at least remembering. “Do not forget the rock from which you where hewn,” says the book of Isaiah (51:1).  Another translation says “Consider the rock from which you were cut, the quarry from which you were mined.” I like that because it reminds me that as much of an original I like to believe I am, the raw materials came from somewhere else.

Our loves will, at the end of our days, define us. The people, places, ideas, and gifts we revere are the drivers in my life. They are what I seek, and with my half-century of experience, I find myself not wanting more of everything, but more of whom and what I am certain that I love. There is peace and comfort in the familiar; there is sanctuary in the chair, the book, the wine, and the precious few that you know you love.

Our risks will, I believe, define us most of all.  Where the familiar road provides us rest and comfort, the unknown path breathes life into us.   My own life has been marked by a continued series of risks and rewards, and the blessings I have found so profound have come from the willingness to put aside fears and take the odd chance.  From the earliest days, we risk life by merely taking steps. We touch hot things. We run with scissors. We break bones and get stitched. But our lives are fuller because of it.  Our skin is thickest at the scars, and our memories will always race to the times we took the chance.

“Remember that time we went to Ireland and hiked the Cliffs of Moher on your fiftieth birthday?”

-Shawn

More Advice!

I’ve been married for 4 years. It flew by! I’ve gotten some pretty great advice over the years, and observed some wonderful marriages and relationships. So here’s my shot at some relationship advice at the 4 year- 1 kid mark, in no particular order.

1. Spend Time Together.  This is one of those love languages you always hear about, but even if you took the test and it wasn’t yours, it’s still helpful. It allows you to actually live life together. If you never spend any time together, you’re really just two people doing things in a similar space instead of as a team. Try it!
2. Loyalty is important. This one seems obvious, but today it seems like many people don’t necessarily hold this as true.  If you’re committed to someone, you have to stick to that commitment and make it apparent. Whether that means changing your actions with something big, like not having lunch with a guy you used to date, even if you’re still friends – or something little, like watching their favorite star wars movie – instead of “The Voice!”  It all shows your significant other that you care about them and aren’t looking elsewhere for something important. I think that makes people feel good.
3. Listening. You know that time your ‘person’ was telling you about their day at work, and your eyes glazed over and you were thinking instead about how you can’t believe Dale died on the Walking Dead? Well, your ‘person’ probably noticed that you weren’t listening. If you aren’t in the headspace to listen well, then be honest about it, and maybe try again later.
4. Respect. Another obvious one perhaps, but I’ve found that especially matters in public. If I show other people that I respect my other’s choices, it bodes well for us. And vice versa! No one likes to get a bad rep – and it ends up not being for show, if you actually respect their choices. That’s why it helps to talk about things before decisions are made (see “Spend Time Together”).
5. Some things actually aren’t worth talking about. I’m the type of person that likes to hash stuff out, and rehash, and rehash, and then talk about one more time, this has been a good lesson to learn. Ex) Wes put pans in a drawer in the dining room recently that I have slotted for placemats. Not dishes. I have some choice in this situation. I could (as soon as he gets home from work) immediate explain why I don’t want the dishes in that spot, and then make him feel bad for ruining my superb organization skills while he was really just trying to unload the dishwasher and move on. OR I could just move the dishes to a different spot, and let it go.
6. Nagging gets you nowhere with certain people. My husband is one of those people. Believe me. I’ve tried it. Maybe your person is a different story, but unless he remembers for himself, Wes doesn’t appreciate the nagging. I think it actually makes him block that task purposefully out of his mind.

So in the end, we aren’t perfect. We don’t know everything about being married, and I’m sure it will change over the next so many years, but these things have been helpful so far. I’ll check in again in 20 years! Good luck!

-A

(Originally, this was posted at another site I blog with: Urbancashmereblog.com. Check them out!)

Things I like about Ronan or Precious Moments: Age 2

1. He says “Mom, I wike your shoes” when I have flip flops on
2. Potty training hasn’t been so bad. We must’ve drawn a lucky card so far, but it just took a few weeks of candy rewards, and daytime diapers are done with!
3. He goes to bed by 8 most days, without a fuss. This has been a habit since he was a few months old, and –  even though he didn’t sleep through the night until he turned 2 –  it’s been a huge relationship stabilizer for Wes and I.
4. He plays by himself! Even if it’s only for 10 minutes, and even though I like playing with him, it’s nice to be able to take a breath while he “build a house” with his blocks.
5. All he wants to eat are pouches. You know, those things you see everywhere including Starbucks, mashed up fruit and veggies, the cool kids eat quinoa-yogurt-amaranth-banana flavored ones? It’s the only way he eats  any vegetables, so I’m taking advantage of it for as long as possible.
6. He finally has an opinion about things – he can say it, most of the time, too!
7. The ways he shows affection are so cool. When he wants us to hold him, he says “Hold You,” and before bed, it’s not a blanket or a stuffed animal he loves, it’s “Group Huggy,” which is just that, a group hug.

– A

In the Middle of Worry

As a mom, I’m constantly trying to find the middle ground between wrapping my kid in bubble wrap while I have a glass of wine and binge watch Game of Thrones (I have never done this!) or paying attention to his every move, thought and motion as he wanders around his day. I haven’t succeeded, and probably never will. But here are some things I consider small victories!

Things I do worry about:

Getting Ronan to eat food. The right food. Quality food. Not too much sugar. Enough vegetables. At times, isn’t he drinking too much milk? And other times, isn’t he drinking too much juice?

Spending time with him! I work and so does Wes, so I have a constant knot of guilt in my stomach about not being enough of a parent to Ronan. I don’t think this will ever change. But even just in the moments at home…should I leave him alone? Does he want to just wander around the house without me? Probably. Does he want me to pick him, put him down, pick him up, tickle him, leave him alone, read him a book, build a tower, break the tower. Yes. All of these things. We’ll get through it. I think Ronan knows we love him, and that’s our ultimate goal.

His talking. Apparently, boys typically just talk later than girls. Apparently, his binky (“bop”) inhibits speech development. Apparently, I should be considering autism as a threat when I notice he didn’t talk as much today. Apparently, he might have a lisp (as I’ve said to Wes multiple times). But then, Ah! He said, Dog, and Milk, and I Love You, as clear as day. He’s perfect!

Things I don’t worry about:

Falling on the marble hearth. We’ve never put pillows or bumper pads or anything to cover the sharp edges of this dangerous spot in the house. He also hasn’t gotten hurt on it yet (22 months strong!)

Steps. When Ronan was very little, my sister-in-law gave me some of the best advice: “Teach him to go up and down the steps soon. Then you won’t have to worry about it!” It’s true. I don’t. And Ro has fallen down the steps a few times. He’s okay. He didn’t get hurt. And since falling, he is more careful.

Allergies. Ronan was introduced to various foods a little earlier than the usual recommended times. For a minute we thought he had a milk allergy (when he was about 8 mos old). But to be honest, I just didn’t think about it all that much! A friend gasped when, at 11 months old, I said Ronan loved Peanut Butter. But it has worked out so far!

Sleeping. Ronan didn’t sleep through the night for more than 2 consecutive nights until March 2015. That means he was 20-21 months old. So really, Wes and I just knew, we’d be awakened at least once every night. And we got used to it. I had a few moments of being at my wit’s end from tiredness, but I got over that too. We also put Ronan in his own room, rather than the crib by our bed, very early. This helped us get real sleep between the wake-ups. I’d recommend it.

If I’m honest with myself, I’d have to admit that I’ve worried about all of the items in the not-worry section, for at least a few minutes. But so far, I’ve overcome that worry for a bit at least. We’ll see what the next 20 years bring!