More Advice!

I’ve been married for 4 years. It flew by! I’ve gotten some pretty great advice over the years, and observed some wonderful marriages and relationships. So here’s my shot at some relationship advice at the 4 year- 1 kid mark, in no particular order.

1. Spend Time Together.  This is one of those love languages you always hear about, but even if you took the test and it wasn’t yours, it’s still helpful. It allows you to actually live life together. If you never spend any time together, you’re really just two people doing things in a similar space instead of as a team. Try it!
2. Loyalty is important. This one seems obvious, but today it seems like many people don’t necessarily hold this as true.  If you’re committed to someone, you have to stick to that commitment and make it apparent. Whether that means changing your actions with something big, like not having lunch with a guy you used to date, even if you’re still friends – or something little, like watching their favorite star wars movie – instead of “The Voice!”  It all shows your significant other that you care about them and aren’t looking elsewhere for something important. I think that makes people feel good.
3. Listening. You know that time your ‘person’ was telling you about their day at work, and your eyes glazed over and you were thinking instead about how you can’t believe Dale died on the Walking Dead? Well, your ‘person’ probably noticed that you weren’t listening. If you aren’t in the headspace to listen well, then be honest about it, and maybe try again later.
4. Respect. Another obvious one perhaps, but I’ve found that especially matters in public. If I show other people that I respect my other’s choices, it bodes well for us. And vice versa! No one likes to get a bad rep – and it ends up not being for show, if you actually respect their choices. That’s why it helps to talk about things before decisions are made (see “Spend Time Together”).
5. Some things actually aren’t worth talking about. I’m the type of person that likes to hash stuff out, and rehash, and rehash, and then talk about one more time, this has been a good lesson to learn. Ex) Wes put pans in a drawer in the dining room recently that I have slotted for placemats. Not dishes. I have some choice in this situation. I could (as soon as he gets home from work) immediate explain why I don’t want the dishes in that spot, and then make him feel bad for ruining my superb organization skills while he was really just trying to unload the dishwasher and move on. OR I could just move the dishes to a different spot, and let it go.
6. Nagging gets you nowhere with certain people. My husband is one of those people. Believe me. I’ve tried it. Maybe your person is a different story, but unless he remembers for himself, Wes doesn’t appreciate the nagging. I think it actually makes him block that task purposefully out of his mind.

So in the end, we aren’t perfect. We don’t know everything about being married, and I’m sure it will change over the next so many years, but these things have been helpful so far. I’ll check in again in 20 years! Good luck!

-A

(Originally, this was posted at another site I blog with: Urbancashmereblog.com. Check them out!)

Sometimes I ignore my son.

Sometimes I ignore my son in favor of my husband. There. I said it. Go ahead, judge me. It’s the truth though.

There’s a movement right now of bloggers and writers that are talking about this subject, so I’m compelled to throw my two cents in also.

(See one article here: http://qz.com/273255/how-american-parenting-is-killing-the-american-marriage/)

One of the things Wes and I have always agreed on is that our marriage comes before our kid (soon to be kids). We think in the long run, this makes us better parents.

So this means sometimes, during dinner, if Ronan needs something, but Wes is in the middle of telling me about work, I’ll make Ronan wait for his ketchup. Guess what, Ronan gets over it.

It also means that even if Ronan doesn’t fall asleep right at 7 or 8 anymore, we put him to bed anyway. Nope, he doesn’t get to stay up and watch House of Cards with us. That’s our time. He plays in his bed after the 4^th story, and falls asleep eventually.

We are blessed to have family close by that encourages us in this mindset also; they all pitch in to babysit so Wes and I can go on a date or spend time with adults. And to be honest, sometimes I feel guilty about that, because I work, so I’m already not home every day and then to go out on a Friday and have Ronan stay with a babysitter makes me feel guilty. But guess what? He usually has fun, gets to watch a fun movie, and spend time with family whom he loves. So I have to get over that guilt.

Overall, I’m just glad people are finally talking about this philosophy. It’s okay to not put your kids first all the time. It might even be better. It might make them grow up to be capable, independent citizens and more importantly, loving people. Maybe they’ll be able to say that their parents loved each other.

Be Like the Duck

Like it or not, we’ve all got a “need to please” running through our veins, to some level. To all my fellow overly accommodating humans out there, you know saying no can be a hard thing to do without the resulting guilt and second-guessing.

“Can I ask you a favor?” can sometimes translate in our minds to “I know that you’re going to say yes to this; that’s why I’m asking you specifically.” In an effort to stay kind and softhearted, without becoming somewhat of a doormat, I’m working on tactful ways to say no sometimes, and doing so with peace of mind.

In everyday interpersonal life, this becomes relevant when friends ask us to do something with them. I often find myself overbooking myself in an effort to spend quality time with everyone, for instance. Other times, I feel that I need to make more time to go home and see the family instead of catching up with friends I see more regularly. Both cases involve sacrificing one opportunity for another, and typically leave me feeling badly for not picking the other.

This can also be hard when it comes to the workplace. As a lower-on-the-totem-pole, young employee, I never want to come across as though I’m not game for a task, and of course want to prove I’m capable of handling my workload, thus I rarely decline requests.

There was a framed picture my grandparents used to have in their bathroom that showed the image of a mallard duck swimming. The caption underneath read, “Be like the duck. Calm on the surface but always paddling like hell underneath.” At age six, while swinging my legs joyfully and thinking about Barney probably, sitting on the pot, I’m sure I thought this was cute and clever – and that I was getting away with something by reading a swear word. The more I think of it, and the older I get, however, I find myself laughing at this, thinking this motto probably results in hundreds of cases of high blood pressure and anxiety disorders, quite honestly.

So instead of stretching myself too thin, I’m vowing to be both honest and realistic. To paddle like hell and work hard, but keep my well being in mind. Maybe with most requests for my time and energy there is a compromise that can be reached. Maybe the answer is “Yes, I will do that, but won’t be able to until the end of the week.” Better to offer that, at times, than try to squeeze it in and do a half-ass job, or be so overwhelmed that I start crying over something as miniscule as the copier breaking yet again.

Just a small reminder to be kind to yourself, because there’s simply nothing wrong with being human.

Cheers & happy Memorial Day,

K

Church

I’m a church person. Ever since I decided to be a Christian, I’ve loved Sunday mornings. Go grab a coffee, maybe a bagel, head to the building, worship, hear a message (hopefully) about trying to be more like Christ, go to lunch, and head home for a nap. Maybe one reason I enjoy the experience is the food before and after…But really, there are a few important things I think about church:

After God, it’s mostly about the people.  Remember the children’s rhyme: “Here’s the church, Here’s the steeple, Open the doors, See all the people?” Jesus is all about people too. He spent his short life forming relationships with some weird and easy to shun  people: Mary, the prostitute (Luke 7:8). Zacchaeus, the tax collector (Luke 19: 1-10).

That’s the beauty of church, wherever it is located, where there are two or more people, God is with us. Church is a place to be with.

As a rule, going there doesn’t make you a better person. But it’s helped me do that, and also made me realize that it’s not about being a better person at all.

I’ve been slowly learning that church isn’t at all about me. It’s not about the song I really like, or the message that was just okay that week. It’s about taking myself out of the picture and looking at the people around me.

And finally, at the top of the list, church is about the simple beauty of the gospel message. God loved us, so he sent his son to die and come to life again, for us, so that we could spend eternity with him. And that’s what I love the most.

Jesus’ death on the cross was the most true picture of love ever given to us. Another one though, is one of my favorite stories and the final reason I go to church, to be continually reminded of Jesus’ humility and holiness.  It’s a picture of the Creator of the universe humbly bowing to his disciples to wash their feet, as an illustration of the necessity and importance of humility for everyone who claims to follow Christ. See John 13: 1- 17, below. – A

 It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.

The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; ⁴ so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. ⁵ After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”

Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

 “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”

Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”

“Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”

Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not everyone was clean.

When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them.  “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am.  Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.  Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

Making Friends with Adults

Now-a-days, it’s harder to meet new people than it was in college and high school. Friends like your sorority sisters, neighbors in class, and dorm roommates just don’t come along as organically as they used to. And on one hand, it’s not so bad – you have fewer yet more deliberate relationships. You learn to make time for the people truly important to you. Here are a few things I’ve learned about friendship:

1. Work friends can be real friends. With the amount of time we spend at the office, a handful of our co-workers tend to become our companions. Trust the good ones. Stay away from the bad ones. It really makes going to work everyday worth drinking the shitty coffee.
2. You can’t get offended when they spend time with their significant other. Whether it’s her boyfriend, fiancé or husband, it’s okay that this person is a priority to her. That being said, friend time is precious, and balance is a healthy thing. Make everyone’s life easier, and get to know his or her “sig fig.”
3. Wine is always a good reason to get together (enough said).
4. It’s okay to keep your friend groups separate. There’s a certain level of selfishness involved in this one. I’m extremely hesitant to introduce friends from different circles to each other for fear of them becoming better friends than these people and myself. Why? Because it’s happened before.

5. Be conscientious about spending time with old and new friends. We lose and gain friends because of changes in location, jobs, and phases of life. . Liking old friends’ post on Facebook is NOT considered “keeping in touch,” no matter what age you are. Make time for coffee or dinner with people you care about, old or new. You’ll be glad you did.
6. “Friends Out of Convenience” is a real thing. That other mom at daycare, your cube neighbor, the people you exercise with – let’s face it, if you stripped away the circumstances, you may not actually have anything in common with them. It’s okay to make the best of your time with them and let it be just that.
7. It’s okay to let some friends go. Some people change (or don’t) and your chemistry and priorities just aren’t the same anymore. Others, quite literally, weigh you down. Know yourself, be honest about what and who is important to you, and allow yourself to concentrate on the positive relationships in your life.

Cheers,

K